This is the latest article from Neil on relationships….
It’s healthy to voice one’s thoughts and feelings, especially after going through these types of experiences.
However, my end goal is always to coach people through letting go of toxic emotional attachments, understanding the deeper issues, healing, and moving forward. Because if you can’t change a person or situation, you have to change yourself.
But every time Mark was urged to get into self-care and not let his reactions be dependent on his ex, he would blow up and say we just didn’t understand.
At the same time, Mark was great with helping other members. He held space and shared wisdom. But when he was in the spotlight, it was complete chaos.
After a month of facing his fierce resistance, other members began to worry that Mark would never change.
“It seems like he just wants to stay angry and scared,” some said to me privately. “We keep telling him the same thing over and over. The answers are right there, but he’s just not open to seeing them.”
I had more faith, and I knew that some people just take more time to reach the first step of self-awareness.
I’m also a big believer in this group process. And in never giving up, and trying every possible way to get through to people.
Through each approach, I kept repeating the same message:
“You are still in the marriage. Directing all this negative energy toward your ex keeps you shackled in a relationship with them. The sooner you can exit this relationship—emotionally as well as legally—the sooner you will start to see clearly, begin your own healing, and get your life back.”
Everyone had nearly given up on Mark. But we stuck with it. We delivered the same message in every possible way. Through gentle love, tough love, and experiential exercises designed to generate epiphanies.
Eventually, his calcified patterns began wearing away. Little shifts started happening each week. He began showing up more connected, more together, and sincerely keen to check in.
Then, one day, it happened…
Just like he did during each meeting, Mark came to the group Gaining and shared all his experiences with his ex and her lawyers that week. But this time, he spoke like an objective narrator—telling us the story of what happened, without having a story about the story… Without letting it ruin his mood, or his whole week.
He was glowing. And he didn’t even notice the difference, but we did. We were all in tears, celebrating how beautiful it was.
This change began a profound shift for Mark.
And here’s the most amazing thing about Mark’s transformation…
Not only does he have a better relationship with his children…
Not only is he crushing it at work because his entire mindset has changed…
Not only has he healed tons of other wounds in his relationships with women…
But when he let go of all that energy—guess what? The divorce happened. He was free. Psychologically free, and actually free. He felt weightless, serene, and truly happy for the first time in his life.
And all the fears he had about what his ex might do never manifested.
Just the other day, he said, “This group has become like a little vacation. At first, it was a lot of work, but now I realize it’s one of the most valuable things I’ve ever done. This is why I joined, and I didn’t even realize it.”
There are many other stories like these.
There’s Jessica, who felt stuck in her job and career, until she made a big change and moved to the Caribbean and started enjoying life.
There’s Don, who was able to recover from a huge life tragedy and start coaching others through this work.
And there are others: Who ended affairs, who started believing in themselves again, who banished insecurities that sabotaged their lives.
Because I get a lot of questions about what the process looks like, from those who’ve never done this kind of work before…
So take a look at your life right now.
Are there obstacles you want to remove?
Life challenges you want to navigate?
Deep aspects of self you want to shift?